Health Wake Up Call

We have been receiving 1-800 calls for several weeks. Thank heaven for caller ID. Cynthia grew annoyed at their persistence and answered the phone one day. It was the Utah Department of Health looking for “the man of the house”. I wasn’t home—I was at work where I belonged during the day. Cynthia was informed they would try again another time to reach me at home.

I have refused to answer several of their calls in the past week. On Saturday morning, they phoned and found me in a moment of weakness. So I answered the phone and was asked if I would be willing to answer a FEW questions. I agreed to answer their questions.

So began what would become a 20 minute survey of my physical and mental well-being, family medical history, health consciousness, access to health and dental care, and general attitudes. The lady questioning me sounded young and pleasant. She gave me several alternatives to various questions – strongly agree, somewhat agree, somewhat disagree, strongly disagree or never, sometimes, often, always.

After three or four questions using the same alternatives I got into the groove of hearing her ask the question and then simply providing my answer. I was curtly informed that she was required to provide me with all the possible answers. So she would rattle off the remaining alternatives even though I had already provided my answer. I just kept answering the question and then endure listening to her list the other alternatives followed by “and you answered ____”.

Once we got past the physical health questions the fun began. She informed me that the next series of questions would involve my mental health and that at any time I was free to abort the survey or to simply refuse to answer a particular question. By this time I was hooked—what could be so terrible about these next few questions?

“Thinking of the past thirty days, how many days were you unable to work due to anxiety? None, less that five, less than 10, less than 20, everyday?” Anxiety, I have my dad’s blood pressure—doctors wonder how I am alive with such low blood pressure.

“Thinking of the past thirty days, how many days were you unable to get out of bed due to depression? None, less that five, less than 10, less than 20, everyday?” I know it is the dead of winter and it is dreary outside, but come on not be able to get out of bed!

And so the questions continued in that vein for several minutes. How many days in the past month had I walked or ridden a bicycle to work or run errands—travel time had to exceed 10 minutes in one direction? Did I use a seat belt and what percentage of the time?

I was then asked to indicate whether I knew if a symptom was indicative of a heart attack or stroke. I was given three possible answers to each symptom: yes, no, or don’t know. This section was actually entertaining. I found myself wondering which answer was actually correct while wanting to answer all incorrectly just to screw up the statistician compiling all this data. Is blurry eyesight a symptom of a stroke? Is numbness of the extremities a symptom of a heart attack? Perhaps my brother, a medical resident, knows the answers to these questions but I certainly don’t.

I was asked my age, my height and weight, my weight one year ago. We do have a scale in our house, but I think I can count on one hand the total number of times I have stood on it in the last 10 years. Have I gained some weight? Sure, but has it been in the past year, month, or decade. I don’t know, all I do know is that I still fit in the same size of pants I have worn for many years. I could stand to drop a few “daddy pounds” and I’m working on it.

I was asked how many children live in my house and their ages. “Thinking of your three children the next series of questions will be related to your third child. Please envision your third child. Is your third child male or female? Would you describe your third child’s ethnicity as white, white Hispanic, native American, ...?” Since when is white an ethnicity? Caucasian but not white!

The questioning continued regarding STDs, diabetes, drinking, smoking, allowing smoking in my home. I was growing tired of all these questions and having a hard time keeping three kids from bugging me while I answered these questions on the phone.

At last the questioning ended and I was thanked for my time. And then a final question: “would I be willing to participate in a follow-up call and answer a FEW more questions?”

No, was my quick response and to this question I wasn’t informed of the possible alternative answers.